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My best attempt usually comes in the form of a half-joke after my husband, Jack, says something innocuous. The one time when I asked — sincerely — that he talk dirty to me , I caught Jack so off-guard that he recited a poem by the 18th century Scottish poet Robert Burns, about what it means to be a man. Oddly enough, it was sort of a turn-on. I have tried seduction the old-fashioned way: I once cooked a meal wearing an apron and high heels and nothing else.
But when Jack came home from work and saw me standing over my casserole, he laughed hard enough for me to get angry, until I gave in and joined him. Laughter has always been our go-to aphrodisiac. So you can see how I might not be the best tester of edible underwear. But in the spirit of the season, I decided to give it the old college try. But first, like any good goddess in training, I did my research. Edible underwear was invented in by two young entrepreneurs from Chicago, David Sanderson and Lee Brady.
Almost immediately, the garment became arguably the most divisive novelty item in American history. Al Goldsten , who The New York Times would later credit with bringing hardcore pornography into the mainstream, incorporated Candypants into his First Amendment defense when his dirty magazine Screw landed him with obscenity charges.
Today, the offerings may have expanded beef jerky briefs! And yet, food and sex are intertwined for a reason. Eating and mating are primordial urges. Sex makes us hungry. I tried to put out of my mind the idea of purchasing lingerie from an establishment that also sells the Fart-O-Nater-Extreme machine, and asked her to pick me up a few pairs.
I put everything in the same bag and stuck it in my purse. Later, at dinner, I whispered to Jack in my sultriest, least comedic voice to hold off on dessert, because that was waiting for him at home. But when I told him it was not, in fact, a slice of his favorite banoffee pie womp, womp , he ordered a brownie sundae and we stuffed ourselves. By the time we got home, we were too far into food coma territory to make love.
To begin with, you can actually see the label of your edible underwear box. But I was instantly distracted. Never mind the list of unpronounceable ingredients, I was stuck on the fact that one g-string is equal to Think translucent Fruit Roll-Up that sags when you wear it.
And then there was the flavor. The packaging said the more you lick it, the better it becomes, but all that seemed to happen when Jack followed directions was that everything became more sticky. And pink. And death-like. You know what else is not sexy?
Knowing that your husband, while munching on the bow at your hip, is secretly dreaming of an egg and cheese sandwich. Instead, we both took a bite of the sugar-crusted triangle right out of the box. Or at least we tried to. Again, not sexy. Finally, I grabbed the Girl Scout cookies off of my nightstand.
Jack cracked a joke about my preference for the exact opposite on the wholesome scale of edible underwear. And then we laughed. And the only gravitas that candy panties will add to your sex life is perhaps a significant dose of fear.
Unless someone invents some type of cookie thong, that is, because I could be a total sex goddess in Thin Mints.